She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became

lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be

"friends."

They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure

she's

okay. They still date. They still have sex.

They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each

other

but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real

score. Even

her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in

the same

barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates,

flowers

and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting

something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does

he hold

her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi?

Sila kaya?

"He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and

kiss me.

Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch

movie,

have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books

for his

birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex

jealous. They

made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about

it. He

said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him

correctly

because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is

her

feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what

he's

doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one

hitch: he has

a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both

mountaineers,

they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh

restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out.

They have

been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but

then

she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it

doesn't

really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am

enjoying

this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual

understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends.

Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase

where the

persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.

Puwedeng may

verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have

admitted your

feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the

talking for

you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa.

Pero sa

kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for

different

reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other,

and you

want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. A nd for

reasons

that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong

nakikiramdam.

Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian

lang muna.

Testing lang.

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually

the guy

--may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon

sa gir

l

(sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa),

wala muna

kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi

naman

kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung

naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala

talagang

kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi

naman

sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang.

Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa w ala" or puwede na iyang

"pantawid-gutom."

Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa

kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think

that

pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would

be fun,

if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships

din ako.

No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't

commit,

because they were either committed to someone else, or that they

weren't

ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong

nagtatanong kung

kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag

tumunog

ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya

ang

message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real

thing,

puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship,

the

emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae

lagi ang

lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a

relationship, you

can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga

ba

magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your

role in

his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if

you feel

jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself.

Ano ka ba

niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be

sure if he

feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya.

Even if

you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're

not sure

if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang.

This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the

relationship.

Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much?

What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't?

What if you

remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find

out that

he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a

disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would

be the

end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan

ka

lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan.

Kasi sa

pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"

hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi

eh. Real

pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo

maiwasan

umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be

miserable,

hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out

eventually that

the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang h irap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then

you'd end

up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo

muna isipin

ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the

consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the

process,

kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without

worrying

what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with

pseudo-relationships

and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable

guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka.

Magpakasaya ka.

Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo.

Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence.

Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage

ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya ...

almost, but not quite.